Tag Archives: Parent

Apr 9 2012

Playdates

Kids at shore

Kids at shore (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Everyday at my house seems to be a great big playdate.  Sure, we have a schedule, and some days the routine is the only thing that keeps me from opening a bottle of Valium during nap time, but we have a lot of free play hours in our day.  And we use them to our full advantage, taking walks, making my kitchen a concert hall.  So sometimes I am surprised when my granddaughter wants to invite her friend from gymnastics to play, or my grandson wants a friend to ride the bus home from school with him.

I do have some grandma guidelines for successful playdates, and hopefully they will fit into your playdate puzzle.

Don’t Force a Crowd

Kids at two and three don’t really have “friends”.  They have people they play next to.  If you have a mom or grandmother you like to have coffee with, this is a perfect play date 1 on 1.  By the time your child is four or five, playdates with preschool friends or t-ball buddies are pretty normal.  Let your child decide who to invite, and limit the number of children. 1 or 2 friends is plenty.  More than that and the crowd becomes mischievous, and unless you were spawned on some other planet and crashed into earth as “Supermom”  – you only have two hands and one set of eyes.

Set the Timer

There is too much of a good thing.  I use the egg timer rule of thumb for playdates: an hour for under five, two for under ten, eleven and older three or the duration of the activity they are doing together.  Sleepovers are the exception, but I never allow sleepovers for children under nine. 

Neutral Territory

All of my grandchildren have favorite toys, and none of them really likes to share.  Especially with children under the age of five, a playground is better, there is less to fight over.  If you are tied to your home for the playdate, remove the favorite toys, blankets, and controversial items that you know will start a disagreement.

Plan an Agenda

I like to have an activity or two, like an art project or a game to let the kids pick from.  It keeps things organized, running smoothly, and over in the correct time period.  If the kids are old enough (say four and up) let them pick what they would like to do for the playdate or take an active part in setting up for the playdate.

Be Present

You cannot leave two six-year olds up to their own devices or after fifteen minutes of silence you will find one of them shimmy-ing down the outside of your second story window on a bed sheet.  True story. So plan on being there the whole time and supervising, but intervene rarely.  Let them negotiate their differences, this is crucial problem solving skill building. 

Fair Warning

Blow the five-minute whistle when the playdate is coming to an end.  it is important that the kids know what to expect and part of that is when to finish up their games so they can help clean up before it is time to go home.

 

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Mar 14 2012

The Value of Parent Networking

Networking is a word most often associated with work.  I had a professional network, as I’m sure you did as well. In my day it was kept in a Rolodex.  Now, the computer serves as my greatest network.  If I have a question or need a solution, or a fun idea for an activity, I pop something into Google and in a matter of a few seconds… Viola! Up pops more information then I could have ever guessed I needed.

Starting out spending my days with my Grandchildren has been so much fun, I almost forgot the value of a great network.  Until I took my granddaughter and grandson to the park to play on the swings the other day and saw something I forgot existed: an entire group of moms and their toddler-aged children and babies, also playing.  And I flashed back to the days of mommy-and-me.

Most of those moms had the same challenges I have: diapers to change, 60 pounds of strollers and formula, and more than one child going in opposite directions.  They had great solutions to everyday problems: like how to push three kids on the swing when you only have two hands. But they lacked my generational experience: my history, my grown children, my opinions and observations collected over a lifetime that are now being re-defined as I participate in raising children all over again.  And it occurred to me that I wanted to belong to that network, but I also wanted one of my own that faced some of the special challenges I face: how to tell my daughter something may be wrong with her son and she needs him to go to the doctor; how to communicate my concerns without stepping on toes; how to spoil my grandchildren with the treats I would have given my own kids, but not break family rules; how to reconcile discipline in my house with the discipline in theirs.

I am not unique.  The facts of grandparenting in today’s world suggest that:

One out of every twelve children lives in a household headed by a relative other than their parent.

Approximately six million children nationwide are being raised by their grandparents or relatives.

Grandparentheaded households are the fastest growing type of family in the United States.

Many of these special families have come together because of difficult family situations such as substance abuse, divorce, parental incarceration, or similar circumstances.

A significant number of grandparents and relatives have informal custody and do not know how this will affect their ability to care for and make decisions on behalf of the children in their care.

So the playground is a great place to start, and believe me, I will be back once a week to enjoy the company I have discovered.  But I don’t want to forget the value of the internet and the many opportunities a virtual network offers, and I am looking for others.  Please share your favorites, I am sharing two of my favorites below.

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

The Parent’s Desk

 

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Mar 13 2012

Selecting a School for Kindergarten

Kindergarten Graduation Ceremony 2011

Kindergarten Graduation Ceremony 2011 (Photo credit: SFA Union City)

Today I read an article on parents camping out, in tents, to register their children for a top kindergarten in California.  Besides the obvious question: what makes this school is so much better than other surrounding schools, and how can this be addressed, it also raises the question: how do I know which kindergarten is right for my four-soon-to-be-five year old?

I have placed four children in primary through secondary school, as well as into college; and I have assisted in the selection of preschools, elementary schools, and middle schools for my grandchildren.  I have been on dozens of tours of schools and spoken with superintendents, teachers, principals, duty aids, and other parents.  There are some critical items to keep an eye out for when selecting a school for your kindergartener, but with the medias hyper-focus on reading and test scores you may be surprised how simple the most important features can be:

Children and adults feel welcomed in the class.

On the tour, does everyone you meet, from the principal to the teacher, to the duty aid make eye contact with you? This should speak volumes about the openness of the environment your child will be spending his time in.  If you do not get to at least wave to the principal, be concerned.  All the best schools my family has been to the principal took a minute to pop by.

Children have a program that is appropriate. This means teaching and materials make sense for the age and needs of all children.

My oldest grandson sat down on his first day of kindergarten and was instructed to: cut, color, reorder a letter train into the alphabet and then glue it to a trip.  Really?  That child was lucky to remember to keep his hands to himself in the car that morning… turns out upon further inquiry his teacher just moved to kindergarten after nine years teaching sixth grade. We found a class better suited for him.

Children have both quiet and active times in the program.

Wasn’t it just yesterday your little one was taking naps?  No really, yesterday.  If so, make sure that the structure of the program gives your child an appropriate amount of active and down time.  If you are faced with the half day versus full day choice, ask for a schedule of a typical day for each.  You might be surprised to see reading/rest time in a full day schedule, but maybe that’s just what your child needs.

Children have plenty of supplies and materials. There are enough available for the number of children in the class.

On your tour, when you see the classroom, is it well supplied? At the beginning of the year where we live, teachers and parents alike contribute to classroom supplies, but if those supplies are too lean in the spring and not replenished (and your tour is the perfect time for a little private-eye work), you may have a problem with parent involvement or teacher communication.  On the other hand, if the coffer runneth over, your school probably has great parents who care about the environment you child will be learning in and a teacher who speaks to them regularly about the classroom needs.

Children have a class program that supports the needs and abilities for all children.

One of my grandchildren had a hearing impaired child in his class starting in kindergarten.  Everytime they learned a vocabulary word, they also learned the accompanying sign.  By the end of the year, there were some very fluent ASL five and six-year olds in Peoria.  This continued for every year, and children rotated through, so this little girl had a very healthy and talkative friend set by the time she hit second grade.  You never saw so much  silence as at the first grade Thanksgiving picnic.  But it was wonderful!  How does the school you are considering create a supportive learning environment for all the children?

The teacher manages regular childhood behaviors, like sharing and taking turns, so children feel safe and included.

It is very important that social graces extend from your house to school and back again. In my opinion, school is as much for learning social skills as it is for learning math.  But you cannot enforce good manners when you are not present.  Does the teacher have similar values that you have and is she willing to gently enforce them?  Is social development a part of her lesson plan?

The teacher supports parent involvement in the class.

The teacher shares with parents what is happening at school. The teacher and family work together to solve problems.  Communication is key!  A great way to tell if the teacher welcome parent involvement is to ask about how she uses volunteers.  You do not need to sign up for every class party, field trip, art project, or bulletin board design, but knowing that you would be welcomed to do so lets you know the teacher is open about what happens in the room.

In school house rock fashion, if you find yourself taking the conjunction junction to a tent on the grass in a parent-parody of the Occupy Kindergarten Movement, best of luck to selecting the best program for your child.  And if you  have a tip I’ve left off the list, add it below for others to see! 

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Feb 8 2012

Making a Memory with Your Grandchild

English: Cheese snack Svenska: Ostbågar

Image via Wikipedia

One of the most amazing things I take away from spending my days with my Grandchildren, especially my twelve year old grandson, is that they have absolutely no concept that my husband and I are – OLD!  They look at us in the same the category as their parents, people who are older, who tell them what to do, who take care of them, who love and accept them.  They do not have any inkling that we have all the things that come along with natural aging: arthritis, the occasional lapse of memory, cardiac or high blood pressure.

That does not mean that I am not aware of it, though.  And I think to myself, how can I make a memory that will last?  My oldest daughter remembers her grandmother waiting inside by the snow to help her strip down and warm herself by the stove after making snow angels.  My youngest son remembers that his grandmother always had cheese puffs.  My middle child remembers golfing with her grandmother.  Each of these memories are instances that my children smile, even though now that they are approaching middle age, excepting my husband’s mother, their grandparents have been gone from us for several years.

One national survey of grandparents reported that a variety of activities were engaged in with grandchildren such as:

  • Joking and kidding
  • Giving money
  • Talking about growing up
  • Giving advice
  • Discussing problems
  • Going to church/synagogue
  • Providing discipline
  • Taking a day trip
  • Teaching a skill or game
  • Watching TV together
  • Talking about parent/child disagreements

I recently read an article that suggested memorializing your life history on tape.  That is definitely an option, but my family tends to put more value on playing together.  We go to our grandchildren’s sporting events and dress up with beads or pom-poms from our local party store in their team colors. We like to attend dance recitals and school events like art shows, science fairs, or plays and bring flowers from the backyard for a job well done.

I suggest making a list (or using the one above as a starter) to think about what you can do to create a memory and plan it out.  One of my girlfriends who does not live in the same state as her grandchildren has annual summer “Grandma Camp” where she flies the kids out and takes them on an exhausting whirlwind week full of things that the kids love to do. Everyone looks forward to that – mom and dad get a weekend to “get away” and she gets to create a tradition to pass down. But whatever you do, cherish it, just like when your children were little, your grandchildren will also grow up, and you are a valuable contributor to that process!

 

Jan 31 2012

Things to Teach Your Grandchildren

Grandparents play an important role in the lives of their grandchildren as role models, mentors, caregivers, and friends.  The non-judgemental, unconditional acceptance of a grandparent creates a special bond that children treasure.  This special bond is fallow ground for teaching and learning.  There is no limitation to what grandparents can teach their grandchildren. 

Family History and Traditions

There are no better storytellers than experienced storytellers, and no better stories than the ones that involve your grandchildren’s parents, aunts and uncles.  You Grandchildren will love to hear about the rain dance ceremony their parents used to put on in the driveway whenever it got cloudy so they could splash in the puddles, or how you used to theme their Halloween costumes and their dad was always the odd man out: a fire hydrant when the other three were Dalmatians, or a peanut when they were Elephants. 

 How to Make Paper Dolls, Paper Airplanes and Home-Made Sailboats

 Children today grow up with non-stop media: television, computers and video games.  Many children have never played with paper dolls or learned how to make a paper airplane or create a sailboat out of wood, a straw and a handkerchief.  Grandparents can teach their grandchildren that yesterday’s toys are still great fun to play with today.

That When Somebody Wrongs You, It’s Best to Turn the Other Cheek

Grandparents can have a moral influence on their grandchildren.  When the grandchildren are facing a difficult situation, grandparents can guide them into reasoned choices and help them to grant forgiveness.

How to Bake Cookies and Do Other Fun Things

I taught my grandchildren how to bake cookies, and this was one of the biggest highlights of their little lives.  They cracked eggs and measured and stirred.  They rolled out dough and cut out stars, Santas, angels and reindeer.  Once the cookies were baked, they decorated them with sugars and frosting.  Yum!

To Respect People

We strive to instill the value of respect for self and for others.  My oldest grandson’s parents are divorced and remarried and we always demonstrate love and compassion to his father and stepmother, even when he is frustrated with them, and even though sometimes our daughter does not understand.  We explain that he is part of his mom and his dad and that we love all parts of him and that means all parts of them.  We also teach our grandchildren that acceptance begins within yourself, and to truly love and respect others, you must love yourself.

To Use Resources Wisely

This is a chance for you to show your grandchild that you can Go Green too.  We recycle, we use the backyard to teach about sustenance living by growing our own fruits, herbs and vegetables and incorporating them into our cooking.  We make games out of saving electricity and water. This is fun as well as a great life lesson.

To Save for a Rainy Day

We are very fortunate and are able to spoil our grandchildren.  We do on occasion give them gifts and money, but we always impress upon them saving for a rainy day and having financial goals.   We talk about what they want to save their money for and how they will achieve the amount of money needed for big ticket items… and we never accept “wait for Papa to buy it” as an answer.

That They Belong

Grandparents have a special chance to teach their grandchildren that they always have somewhere to go, and that they are an invaluable contributor to a greater group of people.  I keep a room in my house just for the grandkids, it is decorated with the things that are important to them.  My oldest grandson, who is twelve, has been known to tell his mom he has three houses: hers, his dad’s and ours. 

That They are Special

We all have bad days, disappointments, and times when we are frustrated.  But knowing there are people in the world who think you are amazing is what keeps us going when times are tough.  My grandson’s artwork was featured at a school art show.  When we came home, we had an auction to determine who got to keep that special picture, of course Papa outbid even mom for that honor.  We have hung the artwork in his office for all to see how very talented and special our grandson is.  Even years later he smiles at the memory of how badly everyone wanted that picture, and just because he drew it.

 

 

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Jan 27 2012

Playing with Your Grandchildren – It’s Important!

Play is one of the most overlooked important things that we can do with our grandchildren which benefits us as much as it benefits them.  Hopefully you are a young grandparent, like I am, and you can get down on the floor and chase toddlers on your hands and knees.  Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely days I have to put the heating pad across my shoulders at night, but for the most part, I have as much fun as they do.  Even if you have physical limits, some of the play you can participate in is mental, and that is just as important! The more activity we participate in, the less likely we are to suffer the effects of aging on our bodies.

The American Academy of Pediatrics and the National Council on Aging agree with me.  They have published articles on the importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong adult-child bonds.  You can follow these links for more information:

http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;119/1/182

http://www.healthyagingprograms.org/content.asp?sectionid=73

Or you can just take my word for it, what is above is a bunch of scientific gobbledy-gook, and I bet if you have grandchildren, you also have better things to do.

There are several types of play, you can follow the six types of play laid out by child Psychologist Jean Piaget, or you can follow my more practical list. Each has distinct benefits for your grandchildren and some happens at different times, my goal here is to introduce you to some different types of play, and then follow up with how they benefit you and your grandchild.

Pretend Play

There is a ton of information out there about the relationship between “high-quality pretend play” and your grandchild’s smarts. It helps them think, socialize, speak better, and perform better in school.  I am not sure what high quality is, but if that includes putting on rock star shows where my four year old granddaughter climbs up on the coffee table stage and sings her best made up song while I cheer her on, I have this one covered!  For you, pretend play helps keep your brain active – and an active brain is the best way to prevent against diseases common in older people, like dementia.

Baby Play

Playing with babies may seem silly, but even if you have physical limitations, you can hold and gaga at your grandbaby.  This very early play time is essential for developing bonds, creating early social skills, developing brains, learning movements, and school readiness.  That’s right, simply holding your grandbaby and making eye contact while you sing their favorite song helps them get ready for the repetition they will face in school. And passing them a toy or rattle helps them learn special awareness and coordination. For you, baby play just plain feels good.  Growing social and emotional connections and knowing you are an invaluable contributor to your grandchild’s development from the start is important for everyone’s emotional health.

Solitary Play

Playing alone is an important part of developing play skills.  For this, all you have to do is set up the area that your grandchild can navigate on their own: books, balls, puzzles, blocks, stuffed animals, art or coloring.  This helps your grandchild develop and master new skills, learn leadership skills, independent thinking, and social security.  To keep them learning regularly exchange the play items for new ones so they gets lots of opportunities to experience new things.  For you: Not much, it is way more fun to be involved that to be an onlooker, but watching your grandchildren as they master new skills can definitely give you something to brag about to your friends.

Sensory Play

Until last year, this was a whole new concept for me.  My youngest grandson faced some very difficult challenges making his way into this world.  He was born with partial right side paralysis and some minor neurological deficits.  His mother and I were surprised to discover a whole area of play focused just on developing your grandchild’s senses. Containers of water, dirt, sandboxes, spoons, measuring cups and your help will allow your grandchild’s math skills to blossom.  Like solitary play, you can set up an area for the two of you to discover what happens when your grandchild scoops sand into a container of water (the water line goes up!).  But unlike solitary play, you play too.  The advantage for you: the fine hand and finger movements help keep arthritis at bay, and the thinking involved in creating the next sensory experiment will keep your brain young!

Guided Play

This type of play is play that you design for your grandchild to participate in.  This type of play is important in developing the foundation for social skills, give and take negotiations, and learning.  You can create a theme, build off a favorite story, or make an enticing change to your house, like tossing a sheet over the sofa and coffee table to go “camping”.  After that, your grandchild takes off with the rest, and your job is to follow, but reinforce the boundries of the activity, her imagination might build an alien zoo in your outer-space, but not at Cinderella’s castle. For you: again that pesky “keep your brain young” advantage.  And depending on how active your creation is, you could also benefit from moving your body to stave off the affects of inactivity. Imagination is fantastic!

Physical Play

This rough and tumble play is close encounter play.  It is not fighting, but it does involve touching, tickling, gauging strength, discovering physical limitations or advantages.  You can encourage physical play through a game of tag, a game of kick, or a game of catch.  There are endless ways to encourage and participate in physical play, and it is important for developing bodies to gain new physical skills, like skipping, jumping, rolling, and running. For you the advantage is staving off age-related diseases like obesity, arthritis, or loss of flexibility.  If you can participate at all in physical play, I highly recommend it.

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Jan 24 2012

Raising Grandchildren

According to recently released census figures, eight percent of American children lived at a grandparent’s home in 2010. That’s a record high for at least the last 40 years, and almost four times the rate in 1970. And to put that into perspective for you, only 13 percent of us have reached retirement age!  Demographers attribute that increase to a growing number of unemployed young parents who are relying on the older generation for help.

In the past, grandparent-led households were seen disproportionately among certain groups, like African American grandmothers. But now, with the widespread impact of the recession, active grand-parenting is increasing across the board.

The financial plans that you may have made based upon traditional frameworks: taking care of each other, your home, vacationing, just being your average, retired older couple, are likely now being redefined.  Many people who relied on pensions and government plans, like social security, or saw their investments dwindle by 40%, are finding that the dollar just doesn’t go quite as far when there are additions to the household.

Setting new expectations for retirement is key to achieving financial security and happiness.  It is important to start with knowing what you will do – With grandchildren in your house you are Retiring TO Something… not away from something.

1. Start by Making  Goals

What is it that you want to accomplish in your retirement?  Do you want more time with your family?  Have you always wanted to volunteer your time to a cause you believe in?  Do you want to wake up every morning and have a quiet cup of coffee?  Your goals are as unique as you, and no two people will have the same ideas, start your retirement off by defining yours!  Then figure out how to work your grandchildren into them, most charities can always use extra hands, even if they are small.  Coffee can be just as enjoyable fifteen minutes before everyone else wakes up, and perhaps a tea party with Teddy can substitute if you have very early risers.  A little planning and you can have your cake and eat it too!

2. List Your Likes and Dislikes

Everyone has things they like to do, and things they do not like to do.  List them out.  Teach your grandchildren about the things you enjoy doing so you can spend your time together on those activities.  I taught my then-ten year old grandson to crochet. He loved having his younger cousins use the blankets or wear the hats he made with my extra yarn. 

3. Know Your Expertise

Are you an expert salsa dancer or do you know your fine arts? Can you make technology hum like Steve Jobs?  Are you a financial wiz?  Share what you are great at with your grandchildren.  School can only teach the basics, it is the adults that surround them that they learn from.

4. Stay Active

Kids are a sure fire way to keep us moving!  And exercise and activity are important for staying healthy long into your retirement.  Take advantage of toting that six month old, shifting her from left to right arm to maintain equal balance.  Get up and play kick with your toddler, it improves their hand eye coordination and provides you with cardiovascular benefits.  Sure, it might make you want to take a nap when they go down, but hey, why not? You’re retired!

5. Do Your “Homework” Every Week

A tip often repeated by single mothers everywhere is plan out your week in advance like it is a job. Then you will know what you have to accomplish and how much to budget for it, and you can adjust if you are lean on time or money in advance.   Know when you will have the grandkids, and what you are going to do each day you have them.  Is this week Cinderella’s Adventures, and everyday your princess troupe is going to read stories and watch movies about Cinderella, make up new stories of their own about what happens next, make crowns out of construction paper, and put on mouse noses or bird beaks during clean up time?  Make every day special by taking the time to think though how you can show your grandchildren you love having them with you.

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